Constipated dynamics
This week I was on a walk with my boyfriend and I found myself saying “I feel like we’re in a constipated dynamic right now.” After we unconstipated our interaction, he challenged me to write about this concept, and that’s how this post came about.
Constipated dynamics happen when one person energetically contracts in an interaction and contracts the other person and now the whole interaction becomes constipated
An energetic contraction might look like:
feeling defensive but not free enough to talk about it directly (e.g. because of a fear that it would make the conversation more combative)
feeling an objection to what the other person seems to be taking for granted/assuming and feeling like now you have to attentionally hold your objection in mind while continuing to listen to the other person
feeling unseen or misunderstood by the other person but not safe enough to express it.
Even though the contraction is not being spoken about, it is felt by both parties on a subtle, often subconscious level.
A more direct experience of such a contraction is a feeling that "something is off", "this conversation is going nowhere" or a sudden feeling of being lost or confused.
It reminds me a bit of an idea of relationship farts that Peter Limberg wrote about recently, and I am tickled that we both likened these insidious relational dynamics to digestive problems.
Just like it's hard to tell which of the food choices you made in the past few days are making you constipated now, it's hard to tell exactly which of the conversational turns made things go bad.
I want to claim that it does not really matter that much1.
The thing where we have leverage is recognizing that things are in fact now constipated. Even one party noticing and naming it can open the door for the interaction to un-contract.
If you've been feeling like something is going wrong, and someone else says the same thing, there's a bit of relaxation. I think it's because it now feels like we live in the same reality. Perhaps it's not a pretty reality (we are still constipated after all) but we're connected in it.
And from this place of seeing the same reality, we can take action to create a reality we want to be in, which could look like:
Checking for resonance - I feel like our conversation is a little stuck. Do you feel it too?
Naming where you're at and where you'd like to be - I notice that I am quite contracted, and not sure why it is so, but I would enjoy being more relaxed with you.
Checking in with the other person - I have a story that you feel a bit confused right now, is that true?
These moves above are focused on getting your foot in the door by turning an implicit (and bothersome) sense into a more explicit observation that can be worked with in the relational space.
It's always possible that the person you are interacting with will not be interested in exploring it with you. Or outright deny it. This post is not about how to deal with that.
I am assuming you're interacting with someone interested in building more intimacy with you, who has some dose of self-awareness and reflectiveness, and who is open to hearing about what you're feeling. Because even in such cases, constipations happen.
So the next time you feel off, disconnected, or contracted with someone, consider just naming it and see what happens. Based on my experience, it will shift something for you, or them, or both at once.
Either way, you will probably feel more present in the interaction and more connected with the other person, which are important nutrients for creating nourishing interactions.
I do think that it matters if you and the person get into the same contraction over and over again, but I think there is something good and energy-giving to focusing on what can be done now to unconstipate the interaction.