I recently heard someone offer advice for writing a book - Write a book that you would like to read over and over again.
This got me thinking about the version of this for my writing here. I sometimes fall into the trap of writing for “the audience”, based on some assumptions I have about what would be interesting for others. What they need to hear.
But what do I need to hear?
There is something that feels honest about writing in this way.
Here are some answers that came up when I asked myself - What are some relational insights I’ve had that I need to keep reminding myself about?
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1. Let others have their own process
Look, you care about intentionality and you want to go the extra mile to make someone feel safe and seen by you. This is beautiful and don’t let go of it.
But there is also a way in which focusing on things you can actively say or do to another makes it hard to notice how much of the job is done by your sheer presence and the energy that you carry around.
Your presence is a huge deal - it is the most fundamental and largely implicit ground for connection. You are affected by people and things happening around you even when you are not in active and conscious relation with them.
And then when you intentionally come into contact with someone and bring your presence and attention to them, it immediately creates additional capacity in this system of two, to be with what is actually going on.
You can then also help them see things through your eyes or suggest a solution they did not think about, but even if you don’t say a word, your presence has already affected them.
When you find yourself worried about being enough for others, remember that the ground of your togetherness is primarily the interconnectedness of your nervous systems, then the way your physical bodies affect each other, and only then it’s the things you say or do. Not the other way around.
Remember that people are always in their own process, even if they seem stuck, despairing or sad. By witnessing their process and lending them your nervous system, you can make them feel less alone with it and share some of the load.
When in doubt, just be. See how it is like to be with this person, how their presence is affecting you and get curious about that.
2. Use actions and words with discernment
If an action feels like it is coming from your core, when it feels joyful to you (remember that time you cooked for a friend who was sick?), then do it. When it's the right kind of action, you don’t even think twice, there is no space for that. If you're starting to wonder if the thing is good to say or do, that's already a sign that perhaps you have some intuitions against it.
Even more obviously when you're feeling a shouldness around doing or saying something, it's a pretty sure sign that it won't feel good and probably won't land for them either.
It's also ok to be confused about how to help someone. You don't need to always know, please, don't put such pressure on yourself.
Remember that you are human and that you don’t just exist for others.
Words are perhaps the most helpful in allowing you to express your humanity, they're an effective channel for vulnerability. Don't be afraid to admit: "I feel your sadness and I also feel confused about what to do. I would really like to help you but I don't how".
Being relational does not mean always knowing what to do in relation to another.
It is more like having the capacity to fold everything which is present into connection (as my friend Michael shared with me in our conversation).
3. Relating is primarily about your relationship with yourself
This one is in some sense both easier and harder than relating with others.
Easier because it's the relation that you have the most ongoing access to and the most control over. It's a playground where you can make new choices and try new ways of being with yourself in each second.
Harder because your ability to see yourself and your situation clearly is always affected by your current beliefs, biases and inhibited information like unprocessed emotions.
A rigid, unconscious psycho-emotional structure is a bit like a blinder - it limits the space of what you can even consider as a possibility.
If you feel stuck, just move. It will definitely impact at least one relation in your relational field - maybe to your body, your space, your thoughts. Doesn’t matter. The goal is to create some shift in the system.
Being relational is not about being perfectly conscious about everything that could limit your perception, but it's about relating to yourself with curiosity and spaciousness as you are in the process of becoming more conscious.
4. Don’t optimize for total authenticity all the time
Optimize for relational discernment.
Remember that time when you first went to the authentic relating and circling workshops and tasted how it is like to feel free to express things that you normally thought you couldn’t share?
And then how you swore to yourself that you would only speak fully authentically from now on because nothing less was worth it?
Well, that was a bit extreme, but it did come from a place of reconnecting with your values. You really care about being open and honest with people and you enjoy it when they share the truth of their experience with you.
It's almost spiritual - it feels like you are viscerally feeling the space between you and them in this unique, intimate experience.
But sharing anything and everything that arises in your internal experience with others is not a choice of discernment. In general, no rule that starts with "always" or "never" indicates discernment.
There is beauty in letting things marinate, shift, and evolve in your internal space before you allow it to be touched by the outside world. That is how you build your relation with yourself and increase trust in your system.
Sometimes, it is also a matter of psychological safety to keep some of your experience to yourself, like with that person at work who really did not have the skills to receive your full experience without gaslighting you.
And you can tell who can receive you, most of the time. There are just some people who make it easier to be yourself, and there are people who make you feel like you need to constantly watch yourself and contort your shape to be palatable for them.
When you don’t feel good around someone, don’t blame yourself. It’s not just on you to make things feel good.
Consider this might be a cue about their relational awareness, not just a test of your authenticity.
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May the spirit of relating help me hold these reminders in awareness. May I find them in the presence of the tree, the song of birds, a deep sigh and cyclical nature of things. May I relate wisely.
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What do you need to be reminded of?
Photo credits Luis del Río
relational insights I need to remind myself about