being with pain and sickness
Sickness is one of those things that I don’t feel like I have cracked
This is day 1 of the 7-day process challenge where each day I commit to write about one internal process I use to navigate challenges.
I am struggling as I am writing this. I’ve come down with an unexpected sickness and spent the whole day lying in bed, feeling nauseated and uncomfortable.
Some cynical voice in my head came up a few times today, mocking me for starting this process challenge yesterday. Something about feeling free and in flow is especially hard when you’re sick. But in some sense, that is exactly the right challenge for me. I am I implicitly claiming that process can help even in a situation like that, where events are largely out of my control.
Sickness is one of those things that I don’t feel like I have cracked. They trigger some of my most stubborn patterns, like:
wanting physical pain to go away, treating it like an obstacle rather than a signal from my body
feeling bad for myself and going into cycles of feeling like “nothing will feel good anymore”
feeling very existential and like the only thing that matters is survival/getting better. which is basically true in the moment, but it can also make me feel very distant from my usual sources of meaning and feels a bit ungrounding
Even though I have experienced all of those today, I feel like I have also been able to hold my unpleasant experience at a bit of a distance. So what did I experiment with?
I started by asking myself why is this actually not a bad time to get sick. This helped me remember that a) I have a comfy bed b) I don’t have anything to do where other people depend on me c) my partner is with me so I have someone to take care of me and d) it’s raining outside. Counting my blessings opened up some space inside me to look forward to a day spent at home, resting.
I tried to welcome the pain and inquire into it. This one’s inspired by my experience with Internal Family Systems therapy and a somatic self-love session I did with Anita (try it, it’s worth it!). The basic idea is that instead of fighting the pain or wanting to make it go away, I try to welcome the sensation and acknowledge that it’s there for a reason. A question I find helpful is What is this sensation trying to tell me? And listening - closing your eyes and seeing what emerges. Sometimes nothing does, as I experienced it today. And then my partner asked me If this pain was in a different Sandra, what would she do? And that reminded me that I can move with the pain, gently stretch and explore what a soft flow in that area might feel like.
I did some sounding practice. This one feels very new in my life and a bit edgy to write about. For the longest time I did not think that I could use my voice (making sounds) to move through difficult experiences. So I felt into the pain in my back and tried humming at first, moving into more of a wail, and then trying on some more guttural sounds. It did not take the pain away, but it made me feel a bit more present with it, it’s like a direct symbol of acknowledging it. And also allowing myself to express the suffering that is present, instead of trying to muscle my way through it.
It feels valuable to articulate this because even though it sounds like a neat formula when I summarise it like that, it’s hard to feel the clarity or motivation to do the things that I know work for me when I am in the middle of pain or sickness.
It also helps me see that a central question guiding me in the process of experimentation is something like: How can I relate to the experience of losing control in a more allowing and relaxed way?
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling unwell! Sending love 💕
I hate feeling sick too. I always think it's an inconvenient time, but then again, sickness never happens when it's convenient. Thanks for sharing how you're connecting more with your pain than against it.