a year with an inner critic
I’ve had this nagging thought for the past couple of weeks - I should write something on Substack.
Just reading this makes me feel a pang of guilt and disappointment. It has this implicit assumption that I was supposed to do something and I am falling behind.
Says who exactly?
Sure, I definitely want to write more publicly and I enjoy sharing my thoughts and ideas with others. That’s why I started this newsletter experiment.
On the other hand, even though I haven’t been writing here for a while, I have also been writing more than ever. This fact gets almost too easily overlooked when the should statements cloud my mind and send a shiver down my body.
I feel good about the fact that this year I managed to get more curious about this inner critic machinery. I really want to work it out because it’s holding me back from doing more things that matter to me.
Like writing. Let me give you a better idea of what I mean.
So I recently started to feel bad about not sending Substack updates.
It sounds something like: See, I told you. Maybe you found some courage to start it, but it won’t be enough to sustain it.
And looks something like Regina from Mean Girls:
One thing I learned is that it’s good to give her an actual name.
The first thing that comes to mind is Ms Demanding. Or even better - Ms I’ll-sit-here-and-watch-as-you-try-and-fail.
Trying to write and share my ideas involves a lot of interactions with this lady.
I sometimes get angry that she’s the first voice I hear when I get new ideas and get excited. In psychology, they call them ANTs - automatic negative thoughts.
For the past year, I’ve been on a mission to find a way to work with these thoughts. It also feels like I’ve made some good progress, though it’s definitely not a problem solved. Ms I’ll-sit-here-and-watch-as-you-try-and-fail is still there in the back of my mind as I am writing this. Hello there!
But I feel pretty hopeful about continuing to improve my relationship with her and this makes me want to share some tools that were helpful.
Doing Internal Family Systems therapy. I learned how to interact with this part of me, instead of fear and avoid it. The key was to discover what role is it trying to play for me - which is good at heart. For me, self-criticism is often trying to ensure I do a good job and not just half-ass something. It’s just that its methods (criticising, undermining) are only effective in the short run.
If you want to try a short exercise, listen to this next time you experience some undermining and overwhelming thoughts.
Here’s also a cool quiz that can help you figure out what type of an inner critic you’re dealing with (according to Jay Earley, a therapist, there’s seven of them)
Thanking the inner critic. This was not very intuitive but once I understood the role that she was trying to play for me, it became much easier. It can look like this:
Thank you for looking out for me and trying to help.
I see that you want to motivate me and make me do things properly, but this is not very helpful right now.
I also think I can handle this on my own.
Noticing and responding to my natural energy flows. This one was inspired by observing my partner and how he interacts with himself. I am not sure how to explain it, but I try to notice where my energy naturally goes (what’s easy) and what drains it (what’s hard). When writing seems hard, my default was for the critic to say something like You should just do it. Then I’ll either force myself or feel bad about myself. With this new approach, here’s a chain of things that might happen instead:
Curiosity: Why does this feel hard? Do I really want to do it?
Acceptance: It makes sense that it feels hard. I had a tough week at work and this is putting more pressure on me now.
Reaction: It seems that recording an audio note instead of writing would be easier.
Enjoyment: This part is not always easy because there can still be this voice that tells me I am taking the easy way out. But in those moments I just trust my experience of feeling more energised and free because of the shift away from criticism.
Doing more self-compassion and loving-kindness meditations. It’s like the opposite way to relate to yourself than criticism. It primarily involves asking myself - How would you treat a good friend if they were in your situation? I still sometimes struggle to do it on my own, in which case I just listen to one of these meditations:
Moving my body. It seems obvious to me now but definitely wasn’t for a long time: being in my body is the opposite of being in my head. Negative thoughts originate in the head. Moving into the body helps to move out of negative thoughts. You can really only be in one of them at a time. When I get overwhelmed and feel like everything is doomed, I first try to:
dance around in my room (i.e. to this playlist I made)
stretch gently (I love this guy Tim Senesi)
go on a walk and be present with sounds and scents
do some breathwork
stand with my torso bent forward
So going back to writing - one tangible outcome that using these tools led me to is that I decided to start a blog.
It’s a more forgiving medium, as there is less pressure to publish regularly and it feels a bit more like writing for myself.
Realising and accepting this felt like some new freedom in my system. Side note: There is probably also a way to feel less pressure (or none at all) with writing newsletters, but I guess I am not there yet.
Apart from less pressure, it gives me a space to explore other formats like poems, sharing art and lists of resources. It’s a more fun experience and so far made me more prolific.
I’d love to do a bit more work on the design of the site and adding some interactive elements, so I can really make it feel like my piece of the internet.
But I haven’t been able to find time for this, so I negotiated a deal with my inner critic - I need you to trust me that I will do it when it feels right.
She nodded, to my surprise.
So here’s a link to my unfinished blog.
She’s not convinced that anyone would be interested in it, so in case you found anything here helpful, you can reply back and let me know. At least I’ll have some real arguments to pull out when I confront her next time 🙃
Finally -
No matter if you’re spending this holiday time with family, or by yourself, it can be an intense time of making reflections, confronting expectations (our or those that others have towards us) and reviewing the state of our relationships.
I wish you all (and myself!) to approach it with kindness and curiosity toward all our different parts that might show up. With understanding and patience, that’s where our ability to support ourselves will also come from.
May this be a year of bold moves and loving-kindness!